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Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. ------ George Carlin

Anyone who drives faster than you is a maniac and anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot. --- George Carlin

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. --- Dylan Thomas

"The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement," John Kenneth Galbraith noted back in 1980. "It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself."

Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive. -- John Sloan

Mark Twain said: "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress".

Disraeli, when asked to explain the difference between a misfortune and a calamity said this: "If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity."

I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member -- Groucho Marx

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. -- Woody Allen

90 percent of success is showing up. --- Woody Allen (this is more wise more than funny.)

Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

Corfu? It's just a poor man's Pensacola... -- John Ratzenberger (Cliff Clavin on t.v.'s "Cheers")

Hank Hill (character from "King of the Hill"): With voter turnout at an all time low, I`m more American by not voting.

''If you weren't my son, I'd hug you.'' - Hank Hill when his son Bobby announces that he has landed a job selling soda at the track.

''The only place you can find a Main Street these days is in Disneyland. And just try to buy a gun there'' - Hank Hill of "King of the Hill".

Jerry wouldn't know beauty if it bludgeoned him over the head --- Neuman (Wayne Knight) on Seinfeld

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." -- George W.Bush, 2002.

"I think a character in a comedy should not know they're in a comedy." --- comedian Steve Carrell (though this thought strikes me as more perceptive than humorous)

The basis of the Goons' humor, Milligan once said, ''is one man shouting gibberish in the face of authority, and proving by fabricated insanity that nothing could be as mad as what passes for ordinary living.'' -- Clive Milligan, of the B.B.C. comedy, The Goon Show

Don't try to confuse me with the facts.

Don't try to confuse the issue with half truths and gorilla dust.

Have you ever heard the expression, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?

Experience has taught me that every toothy grin hides an extra row of teeth.

There comes a time in every friendship when you have to say: I never liked you in the first place. (my personal favorite!)

You barfed into our punch bowl and now you're telling us it's alphabet soup?!

Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman and I'll show you a man.

It's like my father used to say... when I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child... and when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot.